The 1958 grade-Z sci-fi film Missile to the Moon is so similar to other fare of the time that I had forgotten I had seen it before; albeit, as a Rifftrax. Given I don’t remember even the riffs, I assume this film wasn’t exactly fertile ground for quips. I’m just worried I may accidentally reuse gags from that in this essay. If I happen to, please accept my sincere apologies.
Michael Whalen plays an independent rocket scientist working at his facility in the desert. I think I’ll call his character Bubba von Braun. He’s a mad scientist and, by that, I don’t mean he’s insane; instead, he is one constantly angry, upper-middle-aged guy, like your uncle who gets all of his news from questionable sources and won’t stop telling you to put all your money in gold. I find it telling his facility doesn’t have any guards but there seem to be guns conveniently placed wherever one is needed. They’re so prevalent, in fact, that is almost like somebody mandated each room have at least one gun in it, as if it was a fire extinguisher or an exit sign.
A change to use one of those guns occurs when Whalen finds in his rocket two juvenile escapees from the local detention center (Tommy Cook and Gary Clarke). Cook is a dangerous hothead while Clarke is so polite and mannered that I wondered why he had been in juvie. Whalen decides these two are going to be his crew for an impromptu moon mission.
Though initially reluctant (can you blame them?), Cook and Clarke decide it would be awesome to return home as heroes. Somehow, I suspect nobody on this trip is going to top Buzz Aldrin in delivering legendary first words when stepping onto the lunar surface.
Also on the rocket are accidental stowaways played by Richard Travis and Cathy Downs. Travis is supposed to be the manly hero in this film, though he is middle-aged and has a gut that suggests any muscle he may have had has melted down to fat. Most of the characters call him by his last name, “Dayton”, and his personality is as vibrant and dynamic as that Ohio city—meaning, not at all. I would apologize to the residents of that burgh, but I don’t feel like it.
For the launch, stock footage of a V2 rocket is employed in lieu of custom effects work. I wonder how much mileage that footage has gotten, as I saw the same shots used in I Aim for the Stars just the night before. At least there is some neat, though simple, effects work done in the sequence where they fly through a meteor shower, with rocks tumbling through space towards the camera.
Curiously, the greatest threat to the mission while en route to the moon is a wall shelf in the ship that looks to be on the verge of collapsing. When it finally does, this takes Whalen out of the picture, but not before he gives Travis a pendant and mentions a woman named “Lido”. I just assumed he’s a huge fan of the Boz Scaggs song.
The moon will turn out to have remarkably more atmosphere than I have come to believe. The lunar surface as portrayed here looks remarkably like the American desert, possibly even Bronson Caverns near Los Angeles, where so many movies of this budget level were made.
I am willing to cut films such as this a considerable amount of slack, but the first moments on the moon have something so outrageously inept that I can’t help but single it out. As our four remaining Earthlings talk while standing on the surface, close-ups of them were obviously shot in a room—a room with visible corners. In the close-up on the delinquents, there’s a visible floor at the base of the wall, in addition to another corner. This isn’t just lazy or cheap filmmaking, this is insulting.
This seems especially odd to me since a pretty neat creature design is right around the…um, corner. As these four pass by a rock face, movement reveals the surface of that rock is actually a creature shaped and textured so as to blend in perfectly. There will be more of these creatures and, although they look goofier the longer we see them, it is a neat idea.
Sheltering in a cave, our heroes stumble into the underworld of the moon women. I wonder what is the deal with science fiction of the time that there were often worlds populated by only women. Of the top of my head, there’s Cat-Women of the Moon, Queen of Outer Space and Fire Maidens from Outer Space. Sometimes, the women come to Earth in search of men, like in Devil Girl from Mars. I suspect it has something to do with nerdy writers who are unable to get laid, though I could be wrong.
In one of the more unusual opening credit slates I have seen, the moon women are revealed to be various international beauty pageant winners. I was especially curious which one was Miss Yugoslavia but it was impossible to tell, as the script doesn’t bother to give most of them names. One thing I always wonder about movies of this kind is how they duped these women into appearing in stuff like this.
K.T. Stevens is Lido, the aforementioned ruler of the moon. Her authority is challenged by the jealous and deceitful Alpha (Nina Bara). She has designs on Travis, as he is (supposedly) such a strong, virile male. Catfights ensue between her and Downs, which shows the mentality behind this script. The only other significant female role belongs to Marjorie Hellen as Zima, and that is only for her to be the love object of Clarke. How I hope the failed 90’s alcoholic beverage was named for her.
Missile to the Moon is bad. It is a bit too long and dull to even enjoy for the camp value. Heck, this film has a giant spider with fixed human eyes and a mouth shaped like a nutcracker, and I was still so bored that I forgot about that detail until now. I watch a lot of movies and I sometimes am a ways into one before I realize I have seen it before. But this may be the first time I didn’t realize I had already seen a film until after it was over and I started doing research on it.
Dir: Richard E. Cunha
Starring…let’s just say several winners of international beauty pageants and move along
Watched on Snappy Video BD-R