1976’s Devil’s Express begins with so much promise for so much batshit insanity. It starts in China of 200 B.C. with a group of very serious men carrying something in a large crate which they lower into a pit. But, before doing that, it is sealed by a seriously cheap-ass amulet. It isn’t like it is permanently affixed there—it is just laid on top of the crate like a cherry on a sundae. Then the whole thing is lowered by rope into the hole, except the main guy slices through the rope with his sword when it is only about halfway down. I found that baffling, as it seems the crate might open upon crashing at the bottom of the pit, or at least that trinket on top of it might fall off. Then each of the carriers is willingly decapitated. Lastly, the top man holds the sword up to his own throat. If he had decapitated himself, this might have been the greatest movie ever made. Alas, he does not and it is not.
Instead, Wilfredo Roldan finds the pit in 1976 and steals the amulet, which then unleashes the demonic force inside the crate. I love how there was a rope conveniently there, and I have no reason to assume it is anything other than the original rope from two millennia earlier. People really knew how to make stuff that lasts back then. I guess they also made rope that could magically regenerate to its full length, seeing as to how we saw it bisected in the pre-credit sequence.
Roldan is supposedly in “Hong Kong” with friend and Kung Fu master War Hawk Tanzania. They are actually in various parks around New York state, but stock footage of their plane landing was likely the place they’re supposed to be. And that name “War Hawk” is definitely the kind of thing to stop one in their tracks, but I was even more bewildered by Roldan giving him the nickname “Seafood”. No reason for this is ever given.
As for Roldan, his character is named Rodan but, alas, he does not play the pterodactyl-like creature from several of the Godzilla movies. Also, his real-life and character names are so similar as to imply the actor was unable to remember who he was playing unless the name was reeeally easy to remember. That he was in the movie Force Four from the prior year with the same name seems to suggest one seriously remedial learner. I would have bet large sums of money this had been his first and only screen appearance, as he delivers every line so awkwardly as to suggest he is reading each of them off a cue card and for the first time at that exact moment.
The dialogue throughout this is so solidly mid-70’s NYC, possibly of a specific week. It was a time when sentences apparently had to end in the words “you dig?” in the same way those in ye olde English tended to end in “verily”. And the characters deliver these lines on what I assume were some rather rough streets then. The soundtrack puts a bow on this grindhouse package, like some sort of parallel universe radio station where the never were’s who contributed these tracks were somehow huge stars. I’m going to call this imaginary station WGRD, The Grindhouse.
And, oof, some of these tracks are real doozies. The chief offender is a ballad some woman sings where I nearly did a spit-take on the line “I’ll be the best refreshment you’ve ever had”. From that, all I know is she’s not Mountain Dew. Another track is actually a pretty solid groove and, given it plays over a basketball game interrupted by Kung Fu fighters, the scene is about two-thirds of the way to being a Beastie Boys video.
About that ballad I mentioned, it plays over a long and pointless montage that has Tanzania waking up in the morning with his girl, doing all kinds of stuff on the street (like playing stickball with some kids—really?), only to end up at the end of the day with him and his girl hitting the sheets. The sequence calls serious attention to itself for its sheer uselessness. Also, the couple’s bedsheets are something to see, as I didn’t know they made Electric Company themed sheet sets for adults. I wondered if they slept in adult Underoos.
The plot returns with the introduction of an unlucky Chinese businessman who carries the spirit of the demon from Hong Kong to NYC, apparently in search of that medallion. No idea what he’ll do with it should he get it back, as it was used to imprison the demon. In the meantime, this guy wonders blindly around the city. Well, I think his character is supposed to be able to see, except the actor’s eyes are obviously closed with crude eyes painted on the lids. I’ll concede the effect is a bit creepy in the occasional frame but is largely risible.
The guy also kills random people in the subway tunnels, though apparently just to fill the runtime. Another point I have to give the film is it is genuinely creepy in a bit where the demon uses lures one victim by using a woman’s voice to softly call out for help from the darkness. What I found unnerving is the voice isn’t anxious or scared. To hear such a cry for assistance in such a manner made for an odd juxtaposition.
At one of the resulting crime scenes, detective Larry Fleischman and new partner Stephen DeFazio do their work while a priest administers last rites to the very deceased victim. Never before have I seen a priest on an active investigation site for this purpose (and, frankly, on one for any other purpose). The only time I laughed at something intentionally funny in this picture is when DeFazio tells a reporter the cause of death was murder. DeFazio then proceeds to tell the same reporter this is the work of mutant rats, cats and dogs in the tunnels, ones with fangs and claws. My wife asked, “Unlike normal cats and dogs?”
While that is happening in the subterranean world, Tanzania is involved in a gang war which started when members of a Chinese gang stole a large quantity of drugs from Roldan. I suspect the scene with the theft was itself a stolen shot done without permits, as people in the background are just casually going about their business while guys are being held at gunpoint in broad daylight. Then again, it was NYC in the 70’s. Still, a woman in the background with a kid on either side of her does pause when she sees what’s happening.
I am not the person who can weigh in on the quality of the martial arts as shown here, except I have seen little kids play fighting and been more believable. The allure of this kind of fare continues to elude me, and it is not a taste I feel especially interested in acquiring. All I know is it has to be difficult to do so many kicks while clad in the surreal gold lamé bellbottomed coveralls Tanzania wears for most of the third act. Maybe the intention was to make his enemies laugh themselves to death. I would at least have considered instead wearing the kind of parachute pants favored by M.C. Hammer, as that would seem to enable greater flexibility of movement. They would probably breathe better, too.
It is no surprise the effects work is terrible. Some young Asian guy is made to look as if he was old through the application of something crusty to his cheeks, as if somebody just smooshed pizza dough on the guy’s face and left him out in the sun for a while. It is first time I have even seen somebody with what appears to be a terracotta face. Not sure why they didn’t just use a genuinely old guy. I know there was an oil shortage in the 70’s, but I have never heard of the Chinese old guy embargo. Then there’s a bizarre transformation the carrier of the demon undergoes at one point, with red goo running down his right arm and green down his left, which had me wondering if the spirit possessing the guy was the spirit of the Christmas season.
Devil’s Express might sound to some as if it would be great fun, and it is for about half of its runtime. I’m not sure when it stops being interesting, but I found myself at one point feeling quite bored and unable to determine how long it had been since I had truly been watching it. There is one interesting and rather pointless bit towards the end when the film literally slows to a stop both visually and audibly. That was a curious thing to do deliberately, especially for a film where the plot had ground to a stop long before. For a movie this batshit crazy, it isn’t crazy enough nor does so for long enough.
Dir: Barry Rosen
Starring War Hawk Tanzania, Larry Fleischman, Wilfredo Roldan
Watched on Code Red blu-ray