Truly, the strangest thing that has ever crossed my mind while watching a film occurred at one point in 2012’s The Pirates: Band of Misfits! One of the best characters is a monkey Charles Darwin (David Tennant) has employed as a butler, and all I could think about is a bonus track on a reissue CD of Sly & The Family Stone’s There’s a Riot Goin On titled “My Gorilla Is My Butler”.
Despite being distracted by this thought, it wasn’t as if I was bored with the movie. This is an Aardman production and, typical of their work, it is smart, exciting and funny. Alas, it isn’t one of their best films, but even what is less than stellar from them is superior to the best output of some other animation studios.
Hugh Grant is Pirate Captain, a name which, if that was the name under which he was christened, is proof your name is your destiny. He desperately wants the Pirate King (Brian Blessed) to bestow the “Pirate of the Year” award on him, but he is completely outclassed by such pirates as Salma Hayek and Jeremy Piven. Alas, he is a laughingstock in that community, especially since he is failing to bring in the booty.
His ship has more booty than he is aware of, as one of his supposedly all-male crew is a woman is disguise. I was amused by how he is unconsciously aware of it, even if he never fully realizes it: “You’re right, surprisingly curvaceous pirate!”
She is part of his enthusiastic and faithful crew, even if they keep making mistakes, such as seizing vessels that wouldn’t have treasure. Among such ships are ones that are full of lepers, nudists or children on a field trip. Then there’s that ghost ship. Oh, and one that is a scientific expedition, hence how he meets Darwin.
The scientist is the only person who realizes Grant’s rather “big boned” parrot is actually a dodo, believed to be extinct for over a hundred years even back then. Darwin has a weird crush on Queen Victoria (Imelda Staunton) and believes he can win her heart by acquiring the dodo for her personal zoo. It is no surprise the queen wants the bird for more nefarious purposes than residing in the royal zoo.
The film does not start out promising, with such touches as Celtic-dancing rats. Riverdance was still in the collective cultural memory when this was made, so that reference would have been understand better then. Still, it is only a reference and not a joke, so it doesn’t matter if one is aware of that or not.
Then there’s how crazy the pirates are about ham. It seems “Ham Night” is a big deal on the ship. I feel like there was a joke I was missing. Is there some old stereotype about pirate I wasn’t aware of previously—a connection between them and ham?
The film eventually gets its land legs once it gets the England. It is here some genuine stakes are established for the main characters, given the queen has declared death to all pirates. While this poses a genuine threat posed to our heroes, it also where the film becomes funnier. I love how the motto of the Royal Society is “Playing God Since 1847”. Then there’s the test the give to determine if somebody is a scientist: “You’re scientists? Name three elements.” “Gold, ham and the tears of a mermaid.” “Well, two out of three ain’t bad.” I like to think the ones considered valid at the time were ham and siren’s tears.
Unbeknownst to the crew, Pirate Captain has sold their mascot dodo to the queen, in exchange for an assload of gold and a pardon for his crimes. Then the film hits a slump when it returns to the Pirate of the Year competition, and it is discovered the captain has been pardoned, and so he loses the competition and his livelihood, etc. Fortunately, the film finds its groove once more when the heroes intercept the queen’s massive boat in order to rescue their dodo.
There are some energetic action sequences here, but the film is really at its best in its weirdest moments. At one point, somebody is dropping large, round, red, wooden pieces in the wake of a boat, and it is revealed to be dots showing their progress on a map. This gag repeats in a series of red balloons left in the wake of an airship.
The voice actors comprising the pirate crew includes some people who I think are mandated by an obscure law to be in quirky animated films such as this. Really, who is surprised Martin Freeman is the Pirate Captain’s second-in-command? Same goes with Brendan Gleeson. There’s also Aardman vet Ashley Jensen, who I’m always pleased to see (hear?) getting more work. But one name that surprised me in the end credits is Al Roker.
But my favorite character and performance is Anton Yelchin, as The Albino Pirate. This is the oddball member of the crew, which I imagine is the part everybody most wants to play. He declares London “smells like Grandma.” When we first meet him, he declares (in song, no less) the best part of being a pirate is getting exciting new diseases. There’s a bit I liked where the Pirate Captain, his conscience nagging him, sees the swirling faces of his crew when he looks into an ill-gotten gem. When he sees Yelchin’s head circling in the jewel, it is going “Wheeee! I’m just a floating head!”
While there is much to enjoy in The Pirates! A Band of Misfits, it is a curiously lumbering thing until it suddenly ends abruptly, and seemingly arbitrarily. I don’t know anything about the production of this film, but it feels like the work of a committee and not a single person’s vision. It moves in fits and starts, and seems to have four or five acts instead of three. Still, there is something satisfying about a comedy where a pirate captain is disappointed to learn the drawings of sea monsters on maps are just for decoration, only to be satisfied to discover there really were monsters there all along.
Dir: Peter Lord and Jeff Newitt
Starring Hugh Grant and a ton of other people you’ll recognize from just their voices
Watched on blu-ray