Sometimes, it is impossible to watch a movie and not see it exactly for what it is, instead of losing oneself in the world it tries to establish. Such a film is 1987’s Robot Holocaust. If you are aware of this title, it is very likely you watched it as an episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
It is the perfect kind of picture to be mocked on that show. I love post-apocalyptic sci-fi, but a great deal of the genre is dross like this, which is little more than dorks who are dressed for a renaissance festival larping around various city parks and abandoned industrial areas of New York City.
You know you’re in trouble just from the opening narration: “The last city still stood, the remaining home of what was left of New Terra. The society had been all but destroyed by the robot rebellion of ’33. When the robots had turned on their masters by the billions, the ensuing chaos led to a radiation spill.” Isn’t that always the way with a robot rebellion?
It is the kind of film where a mutant hero will arrive from the wastelands, though it all looked like wastelands to me. It is a movie where one group of people are called the “Air Slaves”, and a villain is simply “The Dark One”. Our heroes battle sewage worms. An area controlled entirely by women is the “She-Zone”, which surprised me by apparently not being by the seashore, just so we could have a hilarious tongue-twister about that. Also, I could have sworn “She-Zone” was at one time a euphemism for the area where feminine hygiene products might be applied.
About that exclusively female She-Zone, the women there have captured some hunky guy to mate with them and now they are going to dispose of him. I found it funny the last guy before him is still alive and tied between two trees when the leader of these Amazons (Jennifer Delora) tells our heroes of his fate, instead of having already disposed of that packet after they’ve used the seeds. I guess she was planning on going back for seconds before then. Also, their breeder looks pretty blissed-out, so I’m guessing he thinks he got the better part of the deal.
Who are those heroes, and why do they have to journey through the She-Zone? I don’t see a reason to discuss the plot but I’ll do it just to placate you whiny bitches.
The air was poisoned by that radiation spill, forcing the people to live underground, which is really just the abandoned Brooklyn Navy Yard (which, in real-life, has since been redeveloped). The Dark One controls the air those survivors breathe there. It appears the only reason it keeps the humans alive is so they can deliver fuel to it. What that fuel is, or how the humans have it, is left unclear. When the humans aren’t delivering fuel, they are fighting each other to the death. I guess their numbers weren’t reduced enough already by the global catastrophe.
Anywho, it is at one of those fights that it is revealed father and daughter Michael Downend and Nadine Hartstein are wearing devices that not only allow them to breathe the radioactive air outside, but which enable them to breathe when there is no air, period. A mutant played by Noris Culf also has that ability, even without such a device. After Downend is captured, Culf and Harstein go off to rescue her father. They will be accompanied by some others, a few of which confused me by their ability to survive outside, when I don’t think it was established they could live in that air. Also along for the ride is annoying C3PO-wannabe Klyton (J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner).
This ragtag bunch travels over land and through various subterranean areas to get to the power station where The Dark One and its minions reside. One of those areas is that She-Zone where Delora joins their group.
I suspect I thought about the plot and world of this film far more than the filmmakers did. The aspect that most confused me concerns the separation of the power station from wherever it is the humans reside. It must be quite a distance, but there’s no explanation for why the humans aren’t just at the power station. Also, our heroes go on what seems to be a long and complicated journey there, while the other humans appear to regularly travel underground to deliver fuel to the same destination. Why didn’t the heroes just take the same subterranean path as the workers?
It is no surprise the costumes and effects are largely terrible. Especially bad is that of Klyton the robot, who is supposed to be all-metal, but at least some parts of the costume is obviously latex, most notably the head and hands. The sewer worms are also obviously latex, and are performed as hand puppets, which is actually kind of endearing. One costume that stands out is some sort of robot I mistook to be a mutant, as it looks like a genetic mishap between humans and crayfish. And when we finally see The Dark One, it is guaranteed to be one of the best unintentional laughs you’ll ever get from a movie.
This film originally went directly to video, and the acting is at the level one might expect for that. Even so, Angelia Jager’s performance as The Dark One’s right-hand woman is astonishingly, memorably bad. It is at the level of a little girl playacting. At least she appears to be having fun, even if every single line is delivered in a deeply awkward manner. Compounding this is her thick, Germanic accent and what appears to be slight lisp. I swear she tells her crayfish-man-robot minion: “Talk, have the man feed from his barns.” At one point, she says the word “cooperate” as if it has only one “o”.
Robot Holocaust is a lousy film, but at least it is uniquely goofy enough to warrant a viewing for connoisseurs of a certain kind of dreck. I have even thought up a drinking game for those who are so inclined. Every time Jager says a line, pause the film and have each viewer write down what they think she said. Then rewind and rewatch that line with the subtitles on. Whoever is closest is the only person who doesn’t have to drink. But beware, anybody who attempts this might be dead from alcohol poisoning before the end credits roll.
Dir: Tim Kinkaid
Starring…look, I’m only going to bother listing Angelika Jager, as her performance is the only noteworthy one here, and that’s only because of how ridiculous it is
Watched on Scorpion Releasing blu-ray (which includes an interesting interview with Jennifer Delora, but what the film really needs is a commentary track)