There have been bad movies based on concept albums. Then there have been bad “jukebox musical” films, where a narrative thread tries to serve as a throughline for otherwise unrelated songs. But here is a true oddity: It Couldn’t Happen Here takes the tracks from the Pet Shop Boys album Actually and…uh, well, I’m not exactly sure what it does with them.
It Couldn’t Happen Here strives too much for overarching themes to be a strictly absurdist work, yet it is also nowhere near cohesive enough to be a musical. There’s not even enough of any single song performed without interruption to be a music video compilation with bridging sequences between the numbers.
And this film doesn’t just use the music from a Pet Shop Boys album, it also stars the synth duo. Anybody who has seen one of the act’s videos knows their trademark demeanor is detached and aloof.
Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe establish a new movie first for me. It’s the only time I have seen people with a negative screen presence. The tuxedo-clad Tennant somehow fails to effectively convey boredom. Lowe fares just a bit better because his too-large leather jacket has more personality than the two of them combined–probably because it is large enough that both of them could probably fit in it.
One of the few bright moments in the film is when these two start laughing in one scene. I would say I suspect them of breaking character, but that would require them to have ever been “in character”. It also made me realize I don’t think I have ever seen either of these guys smile before, let alone laugh.
The framing device for this thing has Tennant and Lowe observing, and occasionally interacting with, a variety of characters on a seaside boardwalk and elsewhere. Many of the supporting cast members play a few different characters—well, maybe not well-defined characters, but multiple caricatures, at least.
Joss Ackland fares best as a priest who may be blind, and may also be a serial killer. He is definitely the funniest person in the cast. In one scene, he gets picked up as a hitchhiker by Tennant and Lowe, and he gets in a ton of decent one-liners before the next music video bit. I especially liked it when Tennant asks him, “Do you have any weapons?” and his reply is, “Why? What do you have in mind?”
Faring less well are Gareth Hunt and Neil Dickson. The former is an alleged comedian, and he plays a variety of irritating characters. I understand the characters are supposed to be annoying, yet his performances are more annoying than even these characters should be. The most generous thing I can say about Dickson, on the other hand, is I thought of him as a cut-rate Michael Palin.
There isn’t much more I can tell you about It Couldn’t Happen Here. I could tell you exactly what happens in each minute of it and not be giving anything away, as there isn’t any plot to spoil. Repeating characters and motifs alone do not constitute a plot. It’s hard to believe anybody went into this with a cohesive vision. Even having seen it, I’m not sure what it was that couldn’t happen here and, if it did happen, I missed it.
The movie (to use the term loosely) ends with the duo performing in a club while competitive ballroom dancers do their thing, complete with the numbers on the back. When the number is over, the duo walks away and we see they each have the a large zero on their backs. I assume this is meant to be a statement such as “we don’t care to even compete in the rat race, blah blah blah”, but it could be the movie reviewing itself: zero.
Dir: Jack Bond
Starring The Pet Shop Boys and various comedians (to use the term generously)
Watched on BFI blu-ray (Region B)