Most of the fictional works I have seen from an extreme right-wing point of view have been risible.  In general, it seems the left-wing makes better entertainment.  And, yet, when an ostensibly hard-left work faceplants, it seems to fail harder than their counterparts on the other end of the political spectrum.  Which is why 1999’s Cradle Will Rock is the rare film that makes me embarrassed to be a liberal.

Tim Robbins wrote and directed this mess.  While I have enjoyed his performances in such films as The Player, I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say he radiates a certain smugness.  And “smug” is the first word which consistently came to mind when I watched this picture.  The second word was probably “overly earnest”.  Yeah, I know that’s two words.  Fuck you.

Regardless of its politics or tone, this is a movie that is way too goddamn long and part of that is because it takes on too much material.  In trying to create a microcosm of 1937, it might be easier to list the things it excludes instead of the myriad of plotlines it has.

And yet, I will try to summarize some of the themes: the depression, the W.P.A., the rise of Hitler and Mussolini, Orson Welles and The Mercury Theatre, the labor movement, Diego Rivera, Frida Kahlo, Nelson Rockefeller, art vs. commerce, the early age of the communist scare.  That’s not everything, but I hope I conveyed this is too much.

What should one do when you have too much material?  I guess you compound the issue by throwing too many name actors in the mix!  My short list of leading performers is: John and Joan Cusack, Hank Azaria, Philip Baker Hall, Bill Murray, Susan Sarandon, Vanessa Redgrave, John Turturro and Emily Watson. 

Even the minor roles are cast by those with enough star power to be too distracting.  Bob Balaban is here and gone in a blink.  Bernard Hughes is barely used.  Paul Giamatti hams it up as an opera composer milking his connection to big money for all he can.  Jack Black and Kyle Gass play a gay ventriloquist couple. 

The best performances are from Vanessa Redgrave and Bill Murray.  Redgrave seems to be the only person having a good time throughout the picture.  Murray is in the only scene that made me laugh, as he tries to teach the incredibly dense Black and Gass how to do ventriloquism.

Now for the absolute nadir of the performances, the dishonor of which goes to Angus Macfayden as Orson Welles.  While I concede he gets some of the expressions and mannerisms right, he hams it up more than even the legendarily ego-centric Welles ever did.  Cary Elwes plays John Houseman in a performance nearly as bad as Macfayden’s.  When both are on the screen at the same time, I was never sure which one I wanted to punch more.

Robins should have had both of them rein it in.  Perhaps he was too focused on doing excessively showy things like an opening tracking shot that goes on for a preposterously long time and does nothing but draw attention to itself.  I think somebody should have reminded him he isn’t Welles and this isn’t Touch of Evil.  Somebody also should have pointed out his real-life partner Sarandon’s Italian accent slips during an argument with Diego Rivera.

I consider myself to be so far left that Derek Zoolander would spin himself dizzy trying to follow me.  It doesn’t do my side any favors when films like Cradle Will Rock long-arms the general public away with a work that is so overly-earnest, over-stuffed and over-long. 

Dir: Tim Robbins

Starring…um, it would probably be easier to list who isn’t in it.

Watched on blu-ray