Have you recently experienced peeling skin, increased sensitivity to cold, sudden weight loss and skin that has become green and scaly?  Are you the actor Dirk Benedict?  If you have experienced all of these, you are likely suffering 1973’s SSSSSSS.

Additional symptoms of SSSSSSS include an incoherent plot involving Strother Martin as a herpetologist trying to create a king cobra with a human mind.  If you are a student in that field, which is inexplicably popular at a college near this desert town, you will be especially susceptible to this scheme, as Martin will lure you in as a research assistant and then give you suspicious “inoculation” shots.  Once again, Dirk Benedicts will be especially susceptible.

If you are a Dirk Benedict, and you have received these curious injections, failure to treat symptoms will eventually result in being outfitted in a thick rubber suit that doubtlessly took a great deal of effort to realize (surely hours in the makeup chair each day) but which looks deeply ridiculous.  The last symptom of the illness will be complete transformation, via cross-dissolves, into an actual snake.  Viewers may experience intense, sustained laughter upon seeing this. Dirk Benedicts of the world may experience an unintended benefit from this development, as they may now be the only person in the world able to correctly say the title of this picture.

Speak to your doctor if you believe you are experiencing SSSSSSS, unless that doctor is Strother Martin, as this is a man who routinely gives liquor to a snake. That seems far more likely to be harmful to the animal than any enjoyment, however unlikely, it may derive from the experience. 

Also beware of doctors such as that played by Richard B. Shull since, despite their overall good intentions, they are likely to end up in a Saw-like scenario where they are chained in a basement and the key to their shackles is placed in one of two terrariums, that being the one with the non-poisonous snake.

Perhaps it would be better if you talked with a friend, even if you only have one.  That will likely be Heather Menzies, as Martin’s daughter and your love interest.  Another curious aspect of contracting SSSSSSS is conveniently blurred vision, such as in a skinny-dipping scene inexplicably placed in a PG-rated movie. 

Sufferers may also want to find a peer group, such as former assistants of Martin’s.  To find such people, begin at your local carnival and be sure to check out the Snakeman at the freak show. Nothing like putting the evidence of your previous mistakes right out there in the open, so that people can start connecting the dots.

The best way to avoid suffering from SSSSSSS is complete avoidance of this movie.  Those with a high tolerance for cheese made with the production values of made-for-TV fare of the time may ingest the Shout Factory blu-ray.  If one chooses this option, only one dose is recommended. Destroy contents after use.

Dir: Bernard L. Kowalski

Starring Dirk Benedict, Strother Martin, Heather Menzies

Watched on Shout Factory blu-ray