There is a surprisingly wide variety of bad sci-fi movies made in the 1950’s. I imagine these on a spectrum ranging from cheap cash-grab to the curiously personal trainwrecks made by Ed Wood. While everything superficial about 1956’s Fire Maidens of Outer Space suggests the former, I was left with the impression this is somehow in between these extremes.
The plot, to use the word loosely, has a manned rocket sent to the “thirteenth moon of Jupiter”. Upon landing, the five astronauts discover the atmosphere is breathable, the moon is heavily treed and it basically looks…exactly like Earth. They soon discover this moon is inhabited by about a dozen comely young women clad in togas. There is also one man, who is elderly and the leader of what he says is New Atlantis. There is also a “monster” that torments the women.
If that doesn’t sound like a cohesive plot, then my mission is accomplished. The picture was over when I realized I still didn’t know how or why the citizens of Atlantis went there. I also had a lot of questions about how, excluding the old man, everybody here is a woman. Are they eons old, or were they the offspring of men and women who all recently died?
And what about the monster? It appears to be a tall, thin guy in a black unitard, wearing some sort of mask that looks like the world’s worst instance of combination skin. We only see one, so is it the last of its kind? Is it an indigenous resident of this moon, is it an invader from somewhere else or did it travel with the first Atlanteans? But the biggest issue of all is I couldn’t figure what his beef was with the girls.
Speaking of which, I neglected to mention some of them want to enslave the men and use them to repopulate this moon. Since all five astronauts are total horndogs with the sophistication of 13-year-old boys, I’m confused as to why they aren’t down with this. One of them looks shockingly similar to Tim Blake Nelson, and who acts like he’s as dense as most of the yokels Nelson specializes in playing. Also, curvy alien women in togas–was Gene Rodenberry taking notes for what would eventually become Star Trek?
We weren’t even to the opening credits before I realized something was off here. First thing we see is a plane flying over a city. A caption says the plane is flying over New York City. Not sure what the point of that was, as the plane took from somewhere else and is going to land in London. Anyways, New York City, ladies and gentlemen! Let’s give the Big Apple a big hand!
Then we get to the credits, which include this howler: “all characters in space are ficticious”. I actually found that pretty clever, and it indicates the filmmakers are aware of how ridiculous this whole thing is. And some of these plot threads could be interesting on their own, if they were developed better.
As it is, it’s like somebody threw everything they could think of at the screen just to see if anything sticks. How about this–for a science fiction movie set on another planet, this has a bizarre amount of tree climbing and a large number of dance sequences. I know nothing about dance but even I can tell the choreography and performances here are pure garbage.
Naturally, the dance sequences are just filler, and this film has some of the most bizarre excess baggage I have seen. In one early scene, the camera follows an assistant as she walks to the stairs, goes down the stairs, opens a gate and then pulls out a chair and sits in it. Then we will see her do those same actions in reverse order. All of this is in one painfully long shot.
It’s no surprise a movie of this “quality” has narration. It starts with endless exposition about scientists working on “Plan 13”. My wife eventually piped up with “…from outer space”. In an amazing coincidence, the narrator said immediately afterwards “…in outer space”. I positively barked with laughter.
Yep, this is the kind of movie best enjoyed by watching with others, and everybody taking potshots at it. The special effects are jaw-droppingly cheap, such as a side view of the rocket which is obviously a paper cut-out. Then there’s our band of heroic astronauts, who seem to be outfitted primarily with cigarettes and pistols, and whose rocket interior appears to be boiler room.
Fire Maidens of Outer Space is not for everybody. You have to be partial to this type of movie and, even then, in the right frame of mind. It’s weird how, even then, I want to cut it some slack, though what ended up on screen is hysterically funny, whether intentional or not.
Dir: Cy Roth
Starring…oh, let’s not kid ourselves–nobody of any importance is in this
Watched on Olive Films blu-ray