2022 “horror” movie Enys Men stars Mary Woodvine, in what is nearly a solo performance as a scientist losing a grasp on reality in her study of an isolated group of strange flowers, on a very deserted island (if you don’t count all the ghosts and/or figments of her imagination). For this essay, the critic will be subjected to observation whilst watching the picture.
02 minutes, 52 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Ascends rough stone steps in hillside. At apex, grabs a stone, holes at arms-length over a square hole in the ground and lets it fall into the abyss. Enters house. Fires up generator. Waits for apparent daily communication on the shortwave. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.3 degrees Celsius with observation “No change”.
06 minutes, 31 seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 96.5 degrees Fahrenheit. Note taken reading, “No change.” Slight interest in film, due to it looking as if it was filmed in the time it takes place (1973). Also surprised to see it is in the Academy ratio—the same dimensions as older televisions.
09 minutes, 50 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Ascends rough stone steps in hillside. At apex, grabs a stone, holes at arms-length over a square hole in the ground and lets it fall into the abyss. Passes prominent vertical stone that has lichen growing on it. Fires up generator. Enters house. Waits for daily communication on the shortwave. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.4 degrees Celsius with observation “No change”. A girl who obviously is not really there watches her do this.
12 minutes, 17 seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 96.7 degrees Fahrenheit. Note taken reading, “No change.” Boredom setting in. Single chip of one of Lay’s more bizarre limited-edition flavors sampled. Critic realizes that, despite their classic advertising slogan, there ARE times when a person can eat just one.
17 minutes, 45 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Puts ear to ground, hears some sort of mechanical sounds. Ascends rough stone steps in hillside. At apex, grabs a stone, holes at arms-length over a square hole in the ground and lets it fall into the abyss. Passes prominent vertical stone that has lichen growing on it. Obvious ghost girl enters house. Fires up generator. Enters house. Waits for daily communication on the shortwave. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.5 degrees Celsius with observation “No change”. Briefly converses with imaginary girl. Night: pulls up dressing gown, revealing scar across midsection.
21 minutes, 32 seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 96.4 degrees Fahrenheit. Thermometer tastes funny. Suddenly remembers this is a rectal thermometer. Pauses movie, vomits copiously. Tries another of the weirdly flavored potato chips. Vomits copiously again. Ghost girl watches and laughs. Note taken reading, “No change.”
24 minutes, 41 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Ascends rough stone steps in hillside. At apex, grabs a stone, holes at arms-length over a square hole in the ground and lets it fall into the abyss. Frees part of a painted piece of wood from between stones as Pilgrim women sway in unison behind her, in what may be the worst choreographed number ever. Passes prominent vertical stone that has lichen growing on it. Fires up generator. Enters house. Puts parts of painted board, which reads as “OVEN”, over the mantle. Waits for daily communication on the shortwave. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.4 degrees Celsius with observation “No change”. Running out of petrol and tea.
28 minutes, 06 seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 96.3 degrees Celsius. Calls 911, but hangs up immediately after realizing they have confused Fahrenheit with Celsius. Note taken reading, “No change.”
30 minutes, 5 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Flower seems to lean towards her outstretched hand. Ascends rough stone steps in hillside. At apex, grabs a stone, chucks it into the abyss. Remnants of some sort of former operations (mining?) visible. Wanders around the pier. Passes prominent vertical stone that has lichen growing on it. Fires up generator. Enters house. Waits for daily communication on the shortwave. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.5 degrees Celsius with observation “No change”.
34 minutes, 72 seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 96.1 degrees Fahrenheit. Realizes he has suddenly lost ability to accurately record time. Note taken reading, “No change.”
39 minutes, 40 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Finds a yellow raincoat on the shore. Cleans it. Ghost watches passively from the roof of the house, as ghosts are want to do. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.5 degrees Celsius with observation “No change”.
41 minutes, 523 seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 95.9 degrees Fahrenheit. Scratches nether regions furiously. Realizes it has been days since he showered. Note taken reading, “No change.”
43:40 Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Observes lichen growing on a petal. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.7 degrees Celsius with observation “Lichen has appeared on petal of one of the flowers”. Takes a bath. Finds lichen growing on scar on abdomen. Generator stops. Ghost watches passively from the roof of the house as she investigates. Scientist lights match. Cursing of darkness assumed.
48 minutes, -08 seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 95.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Furious itching of nether regions reveals lichen growing there. Note taken reading, “No change.”
48 minutes, 30 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Observes more lichen growing on a petal. On the hilltop, grabs a stone, holes at arms-length over a square hole in the ground and lets it fall into the abyss. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.7 degrees Celsius with observation “The lichen has grown on the flower”. More lichen on abdominal scar, too. Nightmare of descending into mine and seeing ghost miners. She stares. They stare back.
50 minutes, 4L seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 95.5 degrees Fahrenheit. Furious itching of nether regions reveals lichen growing there. Note taken reading, “No change.”
53 minutes, 57 seconds: Male ghost is taking a dump in her bathroom. Ghosts are now shitting in her house. I wonder if name-brand toilet cleaning liquid removes ectoplasm?
Bob minutes, Cheddar seconds: Critic’s temperature measured at 95.3 degrees Fahrenheit. Continued furious crotch itching has critic scratching nether regions with uncapped pen tip, resulting in cryptic graffiti on a sensitive area. Note taken reading, “No change.”
56 minutes, 10 seconds: Scientist takes temperature of soil around flowers. Observes lichen growing on all the flowers. So far, the most action in this film has involved lichen. Records plant temperature in journal as 14.9 degrees Celsius with observation “The lichen has spread to all of the flowers”. Ghost girls perform some sort of weird song at her house. A helpful male ghost arrives by boat and brings her petrol. He eats a roll she’s baked for him. Other ghosts appear in raincoats outside her house. They don’t look happy. Perhaps it’s because she didn’t offer them a roll, too?
56 minutes, 6 seconds, 4 thirds: Critic’s temperature measured at 95.2 degrees Fahrenheit. More crotch lichen, and it won’t stop itchen’. Critic considers authoring a volume of poetry. Note taken reading, “No change.”
1 hour, 14 minutes, 10 seconds: Scientist writes in journal, “The flowers are gone.” Montage of images suggest her mind has, as well. Starts filling all lines of journal with “No change”
4 score, 7 years, 1 hour, 20 minutes, 12 seconds : Critic’s temperature measured at 80 degrees Fahrenheit. Observation made of critic, “Deceased”. Note taken reading, “No change.”
1 hour, 24 minutes, 50 seconds: Footage of slug, which is probably thinking to itself, “Jesus! Even I can move faster than this film!”
Dir: Mark Jenkin
Starring Mary woodvine
Rented on Vudu